Spiritual Jargon & Software Dreams

Good Morning Starshine! #

The earth says hello!

For the time being, I only write blog posts when I feel the conviction to do so. That may be subject to change, but right now I have conviction to dump my thoughts out. And I invite anyone who reads this to message me if anything resonates, or you just want to say hi.

Anyways, I’ve come to accept the fact that my brain is always on X Games mode. It is up to me to make the continuous conscioius effort to always filter these everflowing thoughts so I only examine the more positive and productivity inducing ones.

Up to this point, my mind has been equally a gift and a curse. However recently I’ve been making a lot of progress in making all the parts of me work together and like each other. So here is a cheers to the future of keeping my grip.

This is what came up when I googled the definition of a “burnout”:

When someone experiences exhaustion, frustration, and diminished motivation due to persistent pressure to excel and meet high expectations.

In my life, as I believe I mentioned before on this blog, I went hard in the paint during my time as a student. I completed every assignment. I studied for every test and quiz. I graduated high school, then straight into college, then straight into a job. I realized during that job that the finish line keeps getting moved. At some point I realized that it always will unless I rebel against this never-ending pursuit in this toxic system.

I stepped away from everything and everyone in order to ask myself…

Who am I?

What do I truly desire?

What do I deserve?

I try my best to want things while simultaneuosly staying detached from the expectation of getting them. If I don’t get the things I picture in my head, I let it go as quickly as I can. Good things come to you once you get on the path, you just have to not be so picky about what they are.

I realized that I do want a lot of things. We all do. Most importantly is that I just want to feel good and have enjoyable and satisfying experiences. This is the ultimate bread and butter of life as experiences are priceless. I want to express myself and surround myself with people I can be myself around and have stimulating conversations with.

“Deep talks” if you will.

I may jump around a lot with this blogpost. Let take a little pause to figure out for myself what I define as a “deep” conversation.

Deepness #

Before I do any googling, what I do know is that surface level conversations are a necessity to socializing in the modern world. It’s just part of being human. Typically, these kinds of conversations are fine and take up very little energy, but sometimes I find myself trying to leave or end these types of conversations as quickly as I can.

Perhaps it’s the mood I’m in. I realize that the quality, or the substance of the conversations I’m having with people are perhaps the BIGGEST indicators to the depth of our relationship.

To me, this has kind of become one of, if not the most important thing I value in a relationship. Obviously there are very specific relationships, such as those with my family, where I may value this less. But it comes down to the kind of person I believe you are. Long conversations usually allow us to let our guards down. The ability alone to have a long conversation of patience and authenticity is becoming a rarer thing from my experience.

I have learned that nobody shares the exact same worldview and life goals as I do, and to be clear, I don’t want them to. We are all so uniquely different, and I don’t want to always talk about how an unseen 4th dimension may be influencing our lives. But there surely are people out there who are more aligned than others. Especially with life goals. For example, some people have multiple kids they’re trying to raise right now, and the last thing they have time to care about is blogging.

The lesson I needed to learn with all this can be summed up by this quote:

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.

~ Robin Williams

I was going to say that this quote is being a little too sappy, but upon rereading I disagree with this initial sentiment.

I wish I had more scientific or psychological terms to utilize here, but I don’t think I do. Or at least as much as I’d like. I’d still like to give it a try.

What I believe in is that everyone’s soul is unique and has a natural vibration and attraction. This is a fixed part of all of us, and I’m unsure how much it can be changed foundationally, but I know that this energy by default is always supposed to be overwhelmingly good energy. We’re automatically wired to be satisfied and feel joy and happiness throughout our days and our whole life. Even when we are in a crisis, this part of ourselves never goes away. What happens though is it dwindles, sometimes to a point where we lose track of it inside us. We forget what it’s like to feel great joy and happiness, so we have to do things to get us to remember. To get back in touch.

Stimulants can simulate these feelings.

It is apparent that the world at large is going through a lot right now. It is in the best interest for ourselves to not let this affect us emotionally on an individual level. Otherwise we can’t be our highest selves. I reached a point where I just got sick of all the fear and hopelessness I felt from the media I consumed. Reality is never going to be accurately conveyed, but it’s important to know that algorithms purposely show you headlines that are the most provoking and enticing. Not the most realistic.

News is supposed to be as neutral and unbiased as possible. Always and forever. Did we forget that?

Isolation Can Be More Than Useful #

Without getting off topic, in order to get in touch with who you are and what you desire, I believe it is important to isolate as best as you can until you are back in touch with yourself. This period of isolation is a productive examination of yourself and everything in your life. You must create an environment of low to no stress, and partake in enjoyable activities and hobbies you like and/or used to like. You do this and try your best to not rush or force answers to come to you. It might take quite a bit of time, but you’ll begin to realize that a lot of things in your life such as jobs you have, stuff you watch, people you talk to, are not aligned with who you are and what you want and deserve for yourself.

This practice of self-reflective isolation is to give yourself space to find yourself. You get back to being still. What you realize is that the most important thing in the universe is what you are allocating your time and energy towards. This is because what we focus on and spend time on is how we change our reality and how we feel inside. This is the most important thing because ONLY WE can change ourselves. Ultimately, no one else has the power to change us, and we don’t have the power to change others. Influence and inspiration is what we can exude.

Forcing someone to do something is not the same as changing them.

Every single thing you do with your time must be accounted for and considered.

Another thing I’ll add to this is that I used to have this old mindset that I needed to force myself to wake up early, go to the gym every morning, scarf down my meals, and work long hours and work as fast as possible.

It’s the stupid alpha male business and money mindset. I got caught up in that sphere more than I’d probably like to admit. I now see how this is very toxic, and I had to learn that your time is valuable indeed, but never at the expense of your positive energy.

For example, I was eating tons of bland high protein meals and scarfing them down fast. Doing this often was a poor decision. It affected my mood and my energy because it made me dislike eating. I felt bloated constantly. I realize now that taking the extra time to slowly eat a meal and spend more time cooking to make it tastier is not a waste of time at all.

Brian Withers #

So getting back to the Robin Williams quote, if you feel you don’t want to be around certain people as much as you used to, it is more than imperative that you listen to this intuition. This deeper part of yourself that’s reminding you of how you truly feel. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, and trusting this intuition, even if you don’t know why, is how you live your life in alignment with yourself. It’s how you live a life where you effortlessly attract the great experiences you deserve so you can grow into the person you’re meant to be. Words can’t describe how much I believe this is the most fundamental and essential thing one must do. I didn’t lie when I said I only write when I feel conviction.

You must live life on your own terms and not fear the unpleasant feelings that may come from making the sometimes big leaps and changes you need to. And you can do all of this while still being realistic about your situation.

On my journey, the biggest feelings I have felt are loneliness, fomo, and financial worry. I see now that these are all normal and actually healthy. Especially when I consider where I’m at and what I’ve personally experienced. All emotions are valid and must be allowed to be felt. Every emotion is an opportunity to learn about yourself.

I must admit, a lot of this stuff I’m saying is from a gem of a YouTube channel that I have found. At first these videos sounded like random spiritual jargon, but upon further consideration I think that this man is articulating universal truths about the human spirit and this plain of existence.

His name is self described empowerment coach Brian Withers!

I am very inclined to believe that he will be a permanent mentor whose videos I will fall back on for the rest of my life. I feel that I am not simply having a phase with him. I guess we’ll have to wait and see. Maybe a week from now I’ll be ranting about the seven chakras instead.

The two biggest things from his teachings that have stuck with me so far are the following:

• 1.) When your inner being desires something, when you’d like something that’s of pure intention, it is on its way to you. This goes for everything, even money. All you have to do is feel its positive emotional presence. You are now immediately on the path towards it and 99% of the work is instantly done. You’re 99% of the way there. All you have to do now is enjoy and experience the journey you’re on towards it. It will feel great! You now get to feel excitement and anticipation, just like you’re a little kid again. This is the last 1% of the work. The last 1% is your job, and all your required to do is to have fun.

Logically, I want to say that you must have patience and work hard. I mean of course you do.

But spiritually speaking, patience and work ethic has nothing to do with it. You just have to stay in a high state of mind, (a positive state of being), and you will receive what this positive energy is attracting. You must be open and believe you are deserving of good things and they’ll find you. Even amazing things.

If you don’t get something, that simply means it wasn’t meant to be. Or you fell off the path by allowing negative feelings in. Fear, hopelessness, inadequacy, etc. You’ll get what you want if you believe deep down that it will be good for you. Life is so incredibly simple once you put your trust in it and let go of all your fear and hopelessness. It becomes so effortless that I laugh and even get angry at myself for not seeing how clear and true this always was.

Bad things don’t ever happen to happy people. Because nothing can change their state of mind. Every disaster, every tragedy can be a learning experience. A moment to practice gratitude. These people embody the reality that our lives are a gift beyond comprehension.

And I’m not saying you must always stay positive. I’m not encouraging anyone to pretend to be happy all the time. Allow yourself to feel all emotions and recognize their validity. We are humans. We are messy. Over time, you’ll learn what thoughts and feelings actually deserve your full attention, and what ones are appropriate to be recognized as well, but kept on a leash. We can recognize what thoughts are intrusive leftovers from a time when we weren’t at the higher frequency we are now.

The core principle is to always make sure you get on the path, even if you may have been spending a few years or decades off of it. Even if every day up until now has been feeling like a funeral.

• 2.) We are naturally wired to “feel good” and be happy.

Brian uses the words “feel good” and “alignment” a lot. Like I said earlier, I mistook these words for spiritual jargon, but he’s actually just decided that these are the best words to attempt at describing the high vibrational energy we are born with that we can tap into. It’s ethereal.

Words can’t describe these facets of our souls. That’s why a part of you may think a lot of this sounds silly. That’s because it is. It is because we’re attempting to explain something we can’t measure by most conventional means or explain with words.

The Path #

The only thing that can lead us astray from the path, is when we let our thoughts control us. When this happens, it is important to remember that we are not our thoughts ever. Only the awareness of them. Our thoughts are tools for learning about ourselves. They are abstract. Their dimensions are unfixed. Part of me wants to say that they aren’t even real. At their worst, thoughts are a neutral phenomena.

For perhaps the past 10 years I feel I have been off the path I’m supposed to be on, and I’m careful to use words like “supposed to” and “should”. My inner energy has all been out of whack. I’ve felt so far away from it I thought I never would get it back. But some deep part of me hung on through all the pain. I never gave into living a life of cognitive dissonance where I decided to forever reject who I’m meant to be.

There are a lot of factors that determine what your path is. The world and your experiences will be changing what it is for sure. A lot of it comes down to simply what things you enjoy and are interested in. It’s also very much what you value. The best way I can describe “being on this path” with other words is that you are living a life in perfect alignment with who you are and what you truly want and deserve.

Whatever this perfect alignment is, and how you are staying in alignment, it is vital that you respect it at all costs.

Preserve it. Keep it safe like its your newborn child. It will grow, and you grow with it. Doing this gets easier as time goes on. The longer you are on the path, the harder it will become to fall off it. That’s why it is very important in the beginning to create a gentle atmosphere for yourself. This is why I recommended a healthy self-isolation. As healthy as you can make it.

The goal is to make space, go to a secluded cabin far away, or simulate that kind of environment as best as you can. The key is to make space so you stop worrying about other people’s problems and what other people think of you.

That’s the best advice I have for staying on the path. You must respect who you know yourself to be at all costs. Finding your path I think may come down to finding your identity and knowing what you are, what you want, and what you believe in.

The culture I grew up with heavily pushes one to give into the same lifestyle as everyone else so that you can fall in line. For example in the west I think this looks like going to college, getting a steady job, buying a house, getting married, having kids, etc. and there is a deep feeling of security in doing this. By living according to society, and not living a dissenting lifestyle, there is more sympathy from the general population. There is a huge direct support system of other people who also followed and try to live the same lifestyle. If something bad happens to you, there is now a higher chance of having help, and there will be more preventative measures so it doesn’t happen again. Since you’re like “most people”, most people now believe what happened to you can now happen to them.

I think the security we feel from this touches our deep primal nature of self-preservation and survival.

I think nothing about any societal culture is “normal”. Anything not directly linked to basic survival is just something we made up.

Think for yourself. Believe in yourself. Everything is right in front of you to take. Get out of your own way.

Finish Him #

To finish off this blogpost I’ll tie this back to updates in my current life. I’m taking a break from many of the different pursuits and passions I’ve developed within the past year. This includes video making, modeling, acting, and even writing as well.

I no longer wish to be financially stressed, and I fully believe in myself that I can alleviate this symptom.

The tech job market is at a very low cycle right now. Companies are trying to substitute entry level developers with A.I.

Companies perhaps hired too many developers since the tech boom that started earlier this century. I’ve watched so many videos on the market. There are so many factors. The reality is that this is just how it is right now, and the degree I have is Computer Science.

The problem then for me has become what do I decide to learn? There’s full stack, front end, back end, Java, python, Ruby, Go, ethical hacking, cybersecurity, blockchain, consulting, digital forensics, and so much more. All of these I have about an equal interest in learning honestly. The world of computer science is vaste, and I guess I’d like to learn as much as I can about all of it eventually.

What I’m leaning towards at the moment however is cybersecurity.

Or maybe my mind is just begging me to rewatch Mr. Robot.

What I decided not to stop doing, however, is music. I owe it to myself and the world to express myself through this medium. I don’t think anyone’s ready. I don’t think I’m even ready. What I want to do with music feels more than ambitious, but I’m going to try my best to heed the call of the inner creative voice inside me. It’s been begging to be let free.

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Last Summer was “Brat Summer”, but this Summer is Ableton & Nmap Summer.

Also, I’ve been baking cookies lately. New passion unlocked.

No like, seriously…

Buy me a Sexy Ko-fi. You won’t do it. You won’t.