Head in the Human Zoo

Hi I Wrote this part in October? #

Hey it’s been quite a while since my last blogpost and I have a lot on my mind so let’s go!

It is my personal philosophy that since we’ve become a globalized species that the entire world is now an open air prison and everyone participating in western society, to some degree, is schizophrenic.

We certainly practice cognitive dissonance everyday. Everyone is stressed out. We are all controlled and I will not elaborate further at this moment :)

Writing is one of my favorite mediums of expression. I do journal a lot, but that’s all handwritten, and also not available to the public until my death!

So besides the interviews I published on here this is all the writing I really do. And I need to do more of it. I need to remember its another outlet. I just had one of those days where I am chronically on the internet. I pathetically close YouTube only to open it again. It’s my desktop version of closing an app only to immediately open it again. It’s hard not to get angry and embarrassed at yourself for doing this. It feels like I should certainly be ashamed of myself.

Am I searching for something? I think I’m just looking to escape the present moment. The very real and present anxiety and emotions and circumstance that I don’t want to deal with. I just had to have a human brain and body huh? I won the cosmic lottery and I’m complaining about it.

Shame on me.

I will say letting go of guilt and shame is a process you have to commit to. It is not an overnight decision, although maybe for others it can be. You have to keep it up.

I don’t think I was made for this world. I don’t think anybody was made for this world actually. It’s hard to believe that reality is our reality sometimes. We aren’t headed towards a dystopian sci-fi reality, we are very much in it right now. It is why the creator of Black Mirror stopped wanting to make more episodes. Because reality was enough as it is.

The world we are taught about in school doesn’t really exist anymore. There are remnants of it, but it has been eradicated by our modern culture and technology. The economy is scary, technology is running rampant due to capitalism’s demand for progress, people are starving in the richest country in the world, and it’s everyone’s job to pretend that everything is fine.

Sometimes it feels like the whole world is holding its breath.

I quit therapy because I started to realize that nothing is really wrong with me, and I simply had to just get out of my own head. I just didn’t have enough belief in myself and know that I’m capable of doing anything I put my mind to. That’s all.

I thought I had a 4-dimensional Rubik’s cube of mental issues to solve only to eventually see the world is a million times more messed up than I am or ever could be and I’m far better off than most.

I’m goodwill hunting, and I’m finally cashing in my winning ticket with that unapologetic attitude that’s needed.

I stopped blaming myself and I stopped feeling shame for anything I’ve done or who I am. Who I am is always changing anyways, and I only did the things I did because I’m human.

As imperfect beings our job is to give ourselves grace as we accept and try to understand the things we do with a childlike curiosity.

As long as you’re doing that, cut yourself some slack.

Head in The Ceiling Fan 11/10/25 #

I want to get some feelings off.

I was up late last night, and before I went to bed I watched the Head In The Ceiling Fan music video by Title Fight.

Every time this video finds me or I think to watch it I’m in a period of growth, and with growth comes the acceptance that the past is gone.

This song and this video may be one of the most powerful nostalgic and melancholic pieces of art that I may ever experience. As a fellow Pennsylvanian, not only does it remind me of home and the memories of growing up there, but it evokes feelings of a different period. A different world. A world and a time and a happiness that I think I sadly may never feel again. Assuming I ever did feel it…

It was the time before iPhones. When swinging on a rope swing in the woods was the most fun thing to be had. When the Summer heat felt suffocating but we still missed it once the Winter came. When everyone felt more magic in the world. Where there was more hopeful optimism. When everyone’s attention spans were completely in tact. When no one had unrealistic expectations of anything…

Before we all bought into the idea that our lives will not ever be sufficient enough to make us happy because we do not have enough things, have experienced enough things, have owned enough things, or have a chiseled body with perfect health.

When I listen to Title Fight I can’t help but think they felt a sense of dread about the future. Like they were very aware of that this current era was coming, and they knew it was going to bring more negative than positive.

And that sense of dread was injected into this song. Especially into that opening riff like goddamn…

I don’t know. A part of me just feels so overwhelmingly sad and emotional when I listen to this song. And I don’t know if I should be blaming the music video, or if the video is just holding up a mirror to something inside me that is too overwhelming for me to feel and let out.

Hence why I must write. Hence why I’m an artist.

Maybe accepting that the best times are behind you is okay. Maybe accepting that that might actually be a true fact can allow us to feel better now and can stop us from desiring something so high again.

I’ve been working on a contract within myself with my mindset. It desingates that I want to attain peace in this life. I would rather attain peace instead of happiness so I will direct ny aim towards it.

Happiness is fleeting and there is always an underlying cost. But peace, now that is how I want every human being to feel all the time. I’m thankful to God I get to feel it now as I write this on my bed on a nice day with my roommates cat sleeping next to me. He’s so unaware of how cute and peaceful he looks. Its almost as if he’s a kitten again. We’re all still just kids at heart.

We're just a million little gods causing rain storms turning every good thing to rust. ~ Arcade Fire

My/Our Future #

Dreams? In this Economy? We were given such horrible pieces of advice such as “follow your dreams”, and told that the universe has moral contracts such as “everything will be okay.”

Okay these sayings are ultimately true, but boy do these things need waaaayyyyyy more context.

I guess saying “follow your dreams” is shorter than saying, “you can do anything you put your mind too by practicing delusional self-belief and confidence while also being realistic about your situation and who you are.”

Who am I? What do I want?

I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately.

I know that I want to get out of the U.S. and travel the world for a while. Perhaps forever. I’ll try to move to a different country and work nomadically either by working on something associated with my degree or something creative.

Or at least that’s what it used to be when I started college. Oh how much things change…

My dreams are constantly changing. Instead, I wrote down a list of my 3 year goals. There is a SHIT TON of stuff on there but I’m determined. I highly recommend doing this. And no I’m not going to share it all because you will think I’m crazy.

I don’t know for certain if I would like to raise a family, but I want to reserve the option. However I do know for certain that it will not be raising a family in the United States. Because even if this country steers itself in the right direction, there is always the threat of Trump 2.0.

We need re-education camps and a separation of church and state if we are to heal as a nation from our racism and bigotry. So until that happens I’m out faam. I hope young people know that we should not feel like we have to save the world and feel the weight of that task. We can take our time to find the peace and strength within ourselves. Only then can we be soldiers in this world.

Anyways, my whole focus at the moment and for the next year perhaps is to finish what I started here in Philadelphia. I have so much I want to say with music. I have so many songs to share. Lyrics to wail. Energy to release in front of a crowd. I want to play in Philly and all over the east coast and I’ll tour when I can I guess.

Also this might be a shock to hear. I don’t know if I even want to admit this but I kind of took some space from music and I really liked it. Both “the scene” and listening on my own time.

I’m going to be making the music and playing the shows because I feel like I am obligated to. Because I feel that I owe it to myself to make my mark here in this city that I’ve grown with over the past (nearly) 7 years now.

The community I’ve experienced and grown a part of. The sounds and the art that expanded my brain. They affected me for the better in a way I couldn’t have ever imagined.

Music was there for me when I needed it, and I don’t know what I would’ve done without it.

So I’m finishing this Philly arc. I’m finishing what I fucking started here and it’s going to be a lot of work. The amount of music I have to finish writing, and then record, and then release and perform is overwhelming.

Luckily I’ve kind of cut off all the other bullshit and finished all the other major projects I’ve felt compelled to create.

I’ve been documenting the creation of this new album to hold myself accountable and actually get it done. Right now it’s truly just me vs. myself.

I love music so much. And nearly every time I see a concert I remind myself that I want to do that for the rest of my life.

I could write books and books on why I love music, but the ultimate reason why it needs to be music is that I can find no other answer when I ask, “What else is there to do?”

I guess make films haha… but I sense that that’s going to come later in my life.

Obviously there is so much more to life than music, but without music I don’t know if life would be worth living. When I look at where I’m at in life now… yeah it seems pretty apparent that this is the time when I should make my shit, and share it with the world.

I have admittedly been too self-absorbed, although I’ve gotten a good grip on that. It feels like the only way to exercise this out of me is to really go for it with my music.

I feel like I would feel an insurmountable feeling of regret if I didn’t contribute to this world of underground music that Philadelphia infected me with.

Also it is often an everyday battle that I feel imposter syndrome for the things I do. Music, Video, Software, Writing, Interviews. Perhaps it would go away if I just focused on one. Alas, I know I only got one life and a lot of time so I mine as well do it all.

“Just focus on one at a time” my ass.

We weren’t meant to be inside walled buildings everyday. We were meant to see the wide open world. Fields. Forests. Mountains. Everyday. We’re supposed to be with our friends and family everyday too.

Time is an illusion. If you’re thinking about it too much, I don’t think you’re living right.