My Thursday Friday & Ephiphanies

7/30/24 My Thursday Friday #

Big epiphany time…

Last Thursday I woke up bright and early and went to the local gym in Ocean City, NJ where I paid for a day pass to get access to their gym. I woke up at 6:30am and went to the Atilis gym. I was in Ocean City because I was on vacation with my family. I got back to our hotel and showered quickly, packed up, and then proceeded to Glen Mills, PA.

It was there I had a meeting with a modeling agency. I scheduled an appointment with a barbershop in the same plaza the agency had their office at. I had some downtime in between appointments so I walked over to the Hilton nearby to do some nomad work in their lobby. While I was in the lobby I did some work on my website. I wanted to fix some issues I had with it and I eventually fixed all of them. After all this it was about 6pm and at that point I headed to Swarthmore college as there was a show happening there. Cats on Mushrooms was playing with Supermarket Parking Lot and Prisoners of Love. They were all phenomenal to say the least. I got to hop up on stage and sang Head in the Ceiling Fan with Matt.

I snapped a few pics and talked to the owner of the venue. It’s called Warehouse 3. I made a new page on the Philly Scenesite for it.

I drove home.

Friday was a similarly busy day that I don’t feel like explaining in detail. Very busy. Doing very different things. There were some coaching calls, one of which opened my eyes.

It was only after this call where I unraveled and broke down and questioned, “What do I actually want out of life? What do I actually want to do? Why am I doing all these things? What are my expectations?”

What led me to getting a coaching call where I was going to pay some dude to help me with what I already know how to do? Why did I think I needed him? What did I think he could give me?

(I also saw Milly and Fiddlehead Saturday the 27th. Or at least I went to that concert for those bands specifically. Soul Blind and Gel were a pleasant suprise.)

8/23/2024 Epiphanies #

Anyways, about that epiphany… I did have it, and I have had yet another one recently. I have realized that in order to fit in my whole life, in order to survive the psychological wargames of social hierarchies and socialization in general, I have to put on a show of sorts. I do things to get by in social situations rather than just be myself. Everyone does to an extent. But I feel I lack the same instilled reactions others have. I don’t have all of the typical unconscious and automatic reactions others have to things.

While I was in Colorado last week, I decided to partake in some of the state’s finest edible delicacies. For the last ten years of my life I have been around things containing THC, and people that consume it. And for the most part, except for when I’m alone, I get super freaking paranoid. I go non-verbal often. And I did in CO. I am suddenly trying to be aware of every little interaction. I am scared of being perceived. Thoughts of the future cripple me with paranoia. I become aware of far too much.

To be honest with myself here, I hid a lot of parts of myself as I got older. I stopped letting them come out, and I stopped expressing myself in all these ways. I kept niche interests to myself unless someone else brought them up or I was around someone who I knew had the same interests. I loved making videos as a kid, I loved to sing, I loved to perform, but as I got older I got too self-conscious of these things and buried them as no one else was interested.

Ever since Colorado, everything in my life has started to make sense. I realized, and thoroughly believe to an extent, that I not “neurotypical”. Most people say, “Yeah, everybody is on the spectrum to some degree.”, but I believe that inside of me, knowing who I am and what I’ve done and how I’ve experienced the world, that I have it more than I think. I’m more neurodivergent than I’ve led myself to believe. And that’s okay, I now have more clarity and can be more accommodating to myself than ever before. I can start getting better at being myself. Because fuck social norms. Fuck the idea that something is wrong with people who don’t come across the same way as others.

I guess I won’t get into too many specifics about myself. It is a taboo subject, and a part of me doesn’t feel right to self-diagnose myself. I acknowledge that there are people, for example with autism, who can’t even talk at all. I’m nowhere close to that. I won’t be getting any official diagnosis anytime soon.

When I was a kid I played with action figures. I played with them a lot. (I still do sometimes.) But it would be so much more than that. There would be full narratives, character arcs, season long conflicts, and so much more. I would be able to see everything happening in my head so clearly, all I’d need is the figurines. As far as I’m concerned I’ve written and directed and did sound for hundreds of films and TV shows in my head, and I think that’s pretty cool. It’s why I hope to finally make more videos, and more music too.

I’ve always had similar abilities to create music in my head in a very vivid way. But without the confidence or ability to play I never got into it until I picked up a guitar three years ago.

I know myself enough to truly consider the fact that my mind is missing some default software and this has been the sneaky thing in my life I’ve been trying to identify. The thing that is still making me feel like something is wrong. However I’m not buying shirts, telling everyone I meet about it, and making it my whole personality. I would just like to acknowledge it, here and now, as it has provided me with a lot of clarity and I can hopefully be much more accommodating and understanding to myself going forward.

So to tie this in with that coaching call, and my present day actions, I realized that I will never be who I thought I was ultimately going to be. I mean I believe I could do anything I set my mind to, but if I kept on the current track I would end up hating my life. I believe I am capable of anything, so I thought I had this obligation to get as much money and power as possible. To help my family, and to be one of the forces of good in the sphere of rich individuals. I think everybody with immense wealth and power believes that they are the lesser of the other evils around them. If I weren’t the greedy and corrupt billionaire, then another person, more corrupt and more greedy will take my place, so I must retain my position at all costs. This belief, as I’ve come to realize, is utter bullshit.

Pursuing money for money itself will leave you completely empty. You will keep leveling up in an environment that is not based on true human connections. It’s based on money. You’ll give into impulsive pleasures once money is not a problem. For the most part, I think losing touch with reality, becoming blinded by privilege, and putting business before everything else is the inevitable outcome for any human that goes all in on this path.

I don’t think there is any foolproof way to generate money in an ethical way. Not in this day and age. In every business model, at some point, you are ripping off the client. This is not only known, but encouraged and perhaps the problem that started it all. The idea is that extra money one makes is set aside so they could live comfortably and put their money towards other businesses. With greed instilled in us, the narcissists of this world will take advantage of this as far as they can.

I’m getting a little off track. If you are passionate about your business, then good for you, I’m not trying to dissuade individuals from the grind. I’ve met entrepreneurs with pure intentions. I’m trying to say that it’s not natural, so don’t get too caught up in it. Don’t do it for money alone. It will not alleviate any personal problems except for financial ones. Often it may not even alleviate that.

This was my great epiphany, or my great epiphanies I should say. Combining them has made me tunnel visioned to pursue the stuff I am actually passionate about rather than what I think is most practical. I admit that I have some privilege being able to attempt this. Don’t ever hold yourself back because you fear being seen as privileged. Do it for those who would kill to be in your position. People are rooting for you. The universe is rooting for you to make the best choices for yourself and everyone else alike.

Ultimately, my overarching self-narrative about gaining power and money because I’m obligated to fight in the higher arena of good vs. evil is well… crazy. I thought that because I can get to the same level of the true elite in this world that I must do so so that I may make a difference. Fight against evil. Defeat the bad guys. It sounds so delusional and absurd to type out, but it’s true. As if the world has ever been black and white… I was always a dreamer.

Now, I think things are just going to run their course. No one is to blame. If something happens, that means that it was always possible. We can all try to prevent catastrophe. We can keep manipulating our environment, but the sun is still going to explode. I will sacrifice my life for my soul’s purpose and if everyone else did that, maybe we’d be at peace. Sounds like I’m a hippie I guess?

I’ve never felt more at peace with myself than I have in the past week. I’ve felt like I’ve finally gotten over the curve I’ve been stuck on and can start making actual progress. Thanks Colorado.

Succeeding in modern business is gross to me. The business of modern capitalism is unethical and based around corrupted fiat currencies. So until the world from my blockchain fantasies comes to fruition with its perfect, secure, decentralized, and global digital currency, my advice is to sit back and enjoy the ride. Stop wanting a million times more than what you have now. It’ll take away your gratitude. Desire a new car, not a sports car. If you pursue a path that has pure intentions and is inline with who you are, when you get fortunes you never thought you would have, you will not desire them anymore.

I’m not positive the world can continue the way it’s going. I give my life to music and the arts. I give my life to the culture. I inspire others and I hope to be more dramatic and assertive about my convictions. When the time comes I will change course. I will be grateful for the life of devotion I served before the storm comes. I’m sure it will come within my lifetime.