I Quit My Job (The Journey Begins)

I feel the doubt in the back of my chest. I quit my job. I need to make money. I’m either going big or going home. Everything feels a lot more dramatic now. Because I’m trying to be very decisive about what I’m doing with every second of my day. I’ve even wondered if this blog is worth it? At the time of writing this I still have not released it anywhere. No one knows it exists except me. I think I hope that people can find this one day and see it as inspiring. My soul wants to express itself. I’m finally trying to allow that to happen.

It’s funny as I start this journey it feels like my life has just started. It feels like everything I’ve done in school and college has largely been a waste, and I would have been better off partying. I could’ve expanded my network more. As I start this journey I also feel misunderstood. I can already tell that this is a lonesome path. For a while, it will be an individual journey. I think there is some truth to that quote “lonely at the top," but I don’t like the words “at the top”. Because I feel like that implies that someone at the “top” is above all others. I hear the label “successful entrepreneur”, and my mind quickly turns that label into “money-hungry sociopath”. How else would someone acquire immense wealth at such a young age? Maybe I’ve been brainwashed. Is every person interested in business filled with the spiritual ignorance I sense? To what degree?

I’ve been growing up with so many people around me saying capitalism is bad. And all I want to say about that, at this moment, is that this thinking has made me think the world is bad. That the world we live in is the worst and is going to end in tragedy. How even if I gave a homeless person some food, that I am still perpetuating the system that keeps them there. Which in that case I objectivley would be. I don’t know what the truest words are to describe our reality, but I know that with the short time I have on this earth I don’t want to have any existential ideas cemented in my head that bring me anxiety, depression, and a sense of hopelessness. It’s too short to ever think otherwise. And that’s not ignorant, that’s just logical. I’ve come to a new way of thinking, hopefully not to justify my endeavors of the next few months, but I have to obtain power in the current system we have as well as understand it if I want to change it. We won’t change from capitalism to communism overnight or to any other form of government. If it does happen over night then it won’t be for the better. Instead it must be a gradual transition. And that’s why I hang on tightly to my blockchain governance fantasies. A perfect indisputable currency and voting system where everyone can participate. Or am I daydreaming too much?

2/6/24 I’m Anxious #

In my senior year of college, I have felt what I think was the early stages of a panic attack. It happened for no apparent reason, and always happened in class. All of the sudden I just felt like something overwhelming was about to happen. Panic attacks essentially are a feedback loop where you get anxiety about how much anxiety you’re feeling and it just skyrockets until your system implodes.

I’m feeling pretty anxious today. I’m blaming some of it on my horrible sleep schedule. (I slept from 6 am to 9:30 today.) But I also get these bouts of it although it has been getting better. I think I’ve pushed stuff to the side for now in my mind. I don’t want to get hung up on old worries anymore. I don’t want these unconscious social hierarchies to be in my way, but yet I still feel like I don’t know my place. I clearly have a lot going on inside me. Sometimes it slows me down. It stops me in my tracks. I’ve done the therapy. I’ve found great outlets but it still persists. And I don’t know what will come of it. Perhaps a panic attack will come. The point is that I’m at a point where I don’t care what happens. I’m ready to embrace the panic attack. I’m ready to fail. To be seen failing. To be embarrassed. To be perceived. I don’t have any time to waste anymore. I want to go on and get living.

I’ve been working out every morning and meal prepping, making music and trying to committ to many different things. I’m trying to start and stay consistent with a YouTube channel, I’m trying to do the same with another YouTube channel, I’m trying to get into Blockchain, I thought about trying stand up comedy, I’m trying to make a personal website for this blog.

I’m trying to do too much. I want to do it all. I’m at a point in my life where I have limitless possibilities. But I need to choose only a few. And I need to commit to them completely.

I can do anything, but I can’t do everything.