November Backlogs
Table of Contents
11/1/2023 Julie #
I’m not feeling work today at all. Transitioning from “new employee” work to “actual” work sucks for me because I’m too used to getting my hand held. You feel like you need to do more. Your managers act as a panopticon making you wonder if they’re going to walk by and see you not doing work. Or see you not at your desk. Or see you writing a blog complaining about work.
This job has scared me straight. I try to take my time here as a lesson. A lesson to hustle when I don’t work here anymore so I never have to work in a place like this again. I’m the only one of my friends who has a salaried job with benefits out of school. I don’t realize how good I have it. I feel sick today and don’t have enough PTO to take off work. But most of my friends don’t even know what PTO is. In a figurative sense of course. I have so much free time to learn new things. I pretty much taught myself guitar theory while working here and hopefully I’ll be able to pay off my loans sooner than I thought. There are good restaurants around for lunch. Commuting is manageable. I have some former colleagues here. I made some friends here who I see everyday. None of my coworkers are bad. Work is kind of easy. And yet…
I want out. I feel lied to and betrayed by the system. All this extra time and work and energy into school for 16 years for me to land a random job. I didn’t need nearly 3/4 of what I learned in school to work here. Did I want this? Was this the light at the end of the tunnel? What else did I think would happen? I remember wanting a computer science degree so I can land a job and have enough time and money to do my hobbies on the side. And that’s basically what I have now. I wanted to travel more, but with my soul glued to underground music, and this job not being remote, I won’t be leaving anytime soon.
The thing that really gets me is something I put a higher price on everyday. And that is my time.
Work takes my time. It takes it right away from me.
Existential dread comes out of nowhere some days to push me to the ground and kick in my ribs. Make my heart ache. Make my anxiety skyrocket. Where was the class in school that addressed this daily problem? Oh, is it therapy? It’s just the fact that I don’t think my job does ANYTHING for the betterment of society and humanity as a whole.
I could have hunted, killed, and dragged an animal back to the village so all my loved ones get to eat. I don’t even get a glimpse of the feelings I’d imagine that hunter version of me would have. My job, that I do everyday, feels completely pointless. And feeling that on a daily basis sucks.
11/2/2023 Julie Aftermath & Artist Celebritisation #
alantheg via IG
My bandmates are inspired after seeing Julie last night. Myself included. Talk about a phenomenal upcoming band. Great original sound, original aesthetic, and cool people. I stayed late after the show. Not on purpose, I got caught up talking to some homies outside the venue. I ended up meeting the band. I talked to them a bit. Tried to get their Spotifys to stalk, but they ended up being on their Discord. I talked to Alex and they signed my guitar pick. They told me they use the same pick for bass. My pick is somewhat thick for a guitarist I guess? I got a medium thick and sturdy pick after hearing advice from my metal guitarist friend JD. I always prefer them medium/thin and sturdy now. I almost exclusively use a 1.14mm pick.
I can’t wait to cook.
Something funny and something I still don’t know how to deal with regarding the underground scene is that my favorite bands, my favorite artists, are often standing next to me in the crowd. Standing side by side at the urinals. They’re at the same show as me. It sounds stupid, I know they’re just people like me, but sometimes I celebritize them too much. It’s something I’m working on. I try my absolute hardest to talk to them like I met them on the street. Because that’s how people should be treated of course, how any new person should be treated. On a normal interaction I’m kind, courteous, and curious to people I meet for the first time. With all these upcoming artists around me I sometimes struggle not to be an absolute fanboy and act standoffish. Ultimately, I got some growing up to do…
When you’re so deep into an artistic medium you develop an appreciation for new artists in the local scene that you find and like. And you can become obsessive. Or at least I can. In a way, a lot of the time, it’s almost like the art is personified in the human being that made it. Talking to the musician who made a song is like talking to the song itself. You’re talking to its conjurer. We’re all little Gods whenever we create stuff, and it’s fucking cool.
When I talk to people sometimes I think, “Am I being rational? Or am I just not being confident? Am I forcing my presence on someone, or is their no playbook here?” You have to be careful with that word “should”. Everybody is different. I’m glad I’ve acknowledged this issue and can work on it.
I’ve absorbed so much music and talked to so many artists. I figure that the solution is to work hard on your own stuff, and they’ll come to you.
“No matter how isolated you are and how lonely you feel, if you do your work truly and conscientiously, unknown friends will come and seek you.” ~ Carl Jung
I would really like to talk to Tyler, the Creator one day. But at this point in my life, I don’t think it would be right if I did? That’s like selling out Wells Fargo when you only wrote one song. It doesn’t feel right. He is a world reknown artist with over a decade of work. What do I have to show for him? It’s not that I am of less worth, but I feel I need a history of music, music videos, and/or other art to show for myself. I don’t like that I gate keep myself. No one ever should. I think the point I’m trying to get to is that if you want to talk to your idols, make it certain that they would want to talk to you.
11/3/2023 The Creative Process Heals #
I always have so much to say. Starting this blog has made me realize how much I have to say, and how I can effectively talk to myself. Writing out your thoughts will reveal all to you. Everything in your mind put onto paper is indisputable.
I had a talk with my good friend Joycie last night about life and creativity. I wish I could see him more. We both work a lot, usually opposite schedules. He works at concert venues. He lets my band practice in his basement. I’ll gladly gas him up anytime.
Anyways, we talked about how the creative process evolves and heals you as a person. How being an artist is therapeutic. We talked about Tyler, the Creator and Action Bronson and Dave Grohl and what they all have in common. A couple things I’ll list below:
- They have started unapologetically doing what they want and liking what they like from a young age.
- They are passionate about everything in every moment, not just about art in the mediums they’ve found success in.
- They are grateful for life.
- They are completely themselves all the time.
- They have a large support system around them.
- They have great relationships with their mothers, and the women in their life.
Joycie praised and showed gratitude for all the women in his life. I’m glad I’m going home to see my mom today.
Later thoughts…
Now that college is finished, High School seems even more like a dream. I have very strange reactions when I think of some high school memories. I think it comes from over romanticizing it, nostalgia, pain, and feeling like it was another life. Because it kind of was for me, even though that sounds dramatic.
It’s just so surreal sometimes.
11/5/2023 Charles Library #
Working in the Charles Library because I’m trying to remember what it’s like to be a college student. Just kidding… but I’ll admit walking around campus feels bittersweet. It’s crazy how much of a different person I am with a different mindset compared to last May when I was graduating. A lot can happen in a year.
I thought that once I got out of college I would have no more excuses for myself. At that point it’s just me vs. myself. Nothing is going to get in the way of what I want to do. In school the stress of grades and assignments meant it didn’t matter that I had free time. I had so much free time. And so many times I’d be tired and unproductive. Stress and anxiety and all that jazz.
Cleaning up my computer and iPhone right now. Doing that once in a while clears your head. I think it’s always good to clean before doing a more mentally exhaustive task. It’s like you’re warming up your brain.
11/6/2023 Pixies #
I’ve been listening to Doolittle. This album is divine. It’s like candy to my music mind. It’s so emotional and fun. It just is. Very inspiring. I’d love to sound like Black Francis. The songs are so layered and deep that I’m not getting sick of them. They have such a November vibe too.
Dimmer is trying to get our shit together so we can have new songs ready for the show December 2nd with the Monks. Or at least that’s what’s getting set up right now. Our friend Matt Perkins will hopefully play with us in his band “Cats on Mushrooms”. Name never gets old. I’m dying to play a show off campus at Temple. It’s a big reason I stuck around the university; much to my family’s objections.
I don’t know how to lower my expectations of life right now. I have big dreams and I’m trying to achieve them. I’m trying to find an alternative to the job I have. But will I miss the present moment too much trying to pursue this creative and financial freedom? Escaping the matrix doesn’t exactly mean financial freedom to me. Although I’m not saying that wouldn’t help. Escaping the matrix is just enjoying your life and having enough time to pursue your hobbies. Enough time that you’re satisfied with. Maybe I’m still just desperate to feel special… before this monkey’s gone to heaven.
I want to convey all these weird and magical and strange and complex feelings I’ve had throughout my life. I don’t want to feel alone, I don’t want others to feel alone either. I want to relate. A lot of these feelings contain a lot of weight from mere existence itself, and they probably arise from the times I felt like I was the actual center of the universe. It’s powerful. The desire to express yourself becomes overwhelming when you realize you can go at any moment. Or at least, that’s how I feel.
11/7/2023 Stress #
You ever get so stressed and worried that it physically hurts? Your brain can’t think straight. You can’t find any rational thoughts. You figure out how you’re going to deal with your problems, but your conscience still wants to worry. You tell yourself like “Okay, when the time comes we’re going to do this.” And then it’s settled, it’s done. You decided what you’re going to do; what the best thing to do is. But still, your mind and body don’t have it. It’s still on alert. It is still stressed. You’re in panic mode. Just waiting for time to pass when the stress will inevitably go away.
Something that’s been messing with me lately is how we all just “think” we are alive. We think we’re special, and that things are things, but they’re not. Everything we see we just name. We’re just assigning specific sounds to things. All the parts of our anatomy aren’t actually what we call them. That’s not their name. We named them, and we’re not real. We just think we are. Am I making sense? Maybe not. Maybe it’s too hard to explain.
How do we know this is the highest reality? Isn’t everything just an abstraction? Maybe it is all simulated. I think there is a lot of evidence to support that. Maybe God is trying to run simulations in the hopes of making another God to hang out with. I’m glad our bodies are pretty resilient, at least for most of us…
"The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't a search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead." ~ Mr. Peanutbutter
11/8/2023 Elan School & Dave Grohl #
I made a resume today. For a security position at a local venue. The Met. If I get hired I get to just stand there and hear live music for free. And I get paid to do it? Sounds like a win win to me. My friend works at the Mann center. He swears on it being the best job of all time, or one of them. Experiences are priceless. They’re moments in time that you’re paying for. You’re paying to be present at a certain spot in space and time? I’d kill to work at music venues with the salary I do now. I don’t think that will ever happen though. I guess I’ll keep you posted. If you’re reading this… Why are you reading this?
Elan School:
I finished elan school. Elan.school is a masterpiece, but I don’t think it’s right to call it that. Not that it isn’t a “masterpiece”, but it’s a story the creator never asked for. At least at the start of it. He wasn’t making this webcomic, graphic novel based on a fictional character that he feeds his own experience into. This was his experience. It’s an autobiography. And it just so happens to be one of the most incredible stories I’ve ever heard. It’s real. Do you know what the means?
It’s weird to feel like you know someone so intimately, yet never having met them. In Joe Nobody’s case (the creator of elan.school), I’ve never even seen his face. If I ever saw him though I think I might break down and sob. And I don’t think he’d even be weirded out by it. I think he’d get it. If I’m not making sense I don’t blame you. I’m not going to attempt to describe the story. Just go read it. I will be worth your time. It will inspire you, and I think that’s something Joe would love to know he provided.
Dave Grohl:
The only other person I feel like I have that deep connection with despite never meeting them is Dave Grohl. I was already fond of his music, but after reading his autobiography, The Storyteller, I realized I made a friend. This dude is someone who rocks, and I know that I will meet him one day. The universe has let me know, trust me. Don’t judge a book by its cover though, right? They say, “Don’t meet your idols”. Well in this case I read the book. He is the only person who I’ve taken a liking to their music and read their novel. The only exception is Will Smith. I read his autobiography right before the infamous slap. (That was so surreal.) Anyways Dave Grohl deserves all the hype for being true to himself and being genuine. He’s the biggest rockstar to me, even if he’s not topping the charts all the time anymore.
EDIT 11.27.24: Dammit Dave cheated on his wife and had a kid outside his marriage. Don’t meet your idols.
Alex G’s album DSU is becoming my favorite album of his.
11/9/2023 Waveform & Wallace, Tonight #
Juliette Boulay via bornloser.org
Should I curse here? I love Waveform holy crap they’re so good. Just go listen. The articles I’ve read have articulated very well the emotions their music invokes, but I am also being lazy at the moment by not describing it myself. They’re signed to Run For Cover Records. I love so many of the other artists/bands signed to that label. Horse Jumper of Love, Turnover, Wicca Phase Springs Eternal… I’d love to sign to a label with an ethos like Run for Cover one day, but until then we be independent as fuck. I’m getting ahead of myself though. Got to release music first. Got a lot of stuff to do.
Dimmer Stuff:
Jeff was thinking of releasing some snippets on Soundcloud. This way people can hear what we sound like. Other than that I don’t think we will be releasing music for a while. We have 4 songs pretty much done at the moment that we like. Two other ones that are also done but we don’t like. Our band functions as a democracy best it can. So there you have it. Our secret is out. Dimmer is a democratic band.
Maybe I really could start writing a book. I know it’s cringe to care about stuff but bear with me oh wise Buddha. Maybe I shouldn’t talk about stuff because if I get it all out of me in words, I won’t want to get it out of me so much in music anymore.
I’m kidding of course. I think people on the internet are often bad with humor and sarcasm. I think I can be terrible at it sometimes. I used to think emojis were cringey for a long time but the fact is they’re super helpful. Our expressions and tones when we talk, all the little subtleties can change the context of something that is said. Like how you think I’m yelling right now! Wow, I’m such a David Foster Wallace genius over here talking about punctuation and being emotive in conversations!
Wallace, Tonight:
Fear and Loathing with Wallace this Friday! John sent me more Wallace, Tonight! recordings and demos. Thanks for the leaks, they are so very good. The members of Wallace, Tonight! are all masterful at what they do. I love Paul’s vocals a lot. Am I supposed to have been given those demos? Guys if you see this, don’t get mad at John. I won’t share the demos with anyone. The last of the three EPs is probably out by the time you’re reading this anyways.
11/16/2023 Love those you love #
“Memento Mori” is a latin phrase that I really live by. It means “remember you will die”. It sounds morbid at first. I found it because it was the slogan of the Austere Academy that the Baudelaire children stay at in the 5th book of Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. What else would it be with an author like that guy?
You’re going to die. I always say death is the most neutral thing possible. One worries and thinks “Oh no, there’s nothing after death!” Who told you that “nothing” is bad? Nothing is nothing. It is perfectly gray. That’s not the point. I think for most of my life, I spent it not realizing that everything I see is made up. Not that reality isn’t real, but that everything we have isn’t a given. We don’t stop to contemplate about how much of our abilities aren’t a given. It feels like language is a given. It feels like food and water and shelter is a given. Often times our friends and health. I know it’s not the same for everyone, some people are dealt a bad hand that introduces them to reality at a young age, but some people go through their whole life completely blue-pilled.
Not realizing that everything is a construct is bad for business. In a spiritual sense. Do you realize that all the math ever made can be chalked up to some wierd drawings? Or that language can just be called “specific noises”? Everything we experience in our head is stored in our biological computer. That’s where the world actually is in a sense. I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of this before. This wasn’t even the rant I thought I’d go on about with “memento mori”, but its important to remember.
Motivational speech time. Make sure to buy my course after this.
You have one life. One body. If you lose an arm, it’s gone forever. Or at least it’s not coming back the same way. So appreciate it now. Appreciate the years behind you and go all in on the bet that you’ll be around for years to come. Because life is not short. Life is long. Very long. And it’s not going to be easy. Take charge of your life now before it’s too late. Do not get complacent. Do not get passive. Do not ever think you have to stay where you are, and not dare to surpass the imaginary bar set by other around you. Inspire others. You’re going to die. Don’t you want to live up to a legacy you’re proud of?
Do stuff. Stay busy. Otherwise, what else is there to do? It’s funny how boredom exists. Everything is an abstraction. We are in a simulation. Wake up. Have gratitude. I say: Be a little schizo. Be a little delusional. It can do some good sometimes.
11/20/2023 Almost Turkey Day #
Wild Red via IG
Is it a bit much to title my daily blog posts? I think it’s too late for me to go back now so you’re going to have to deal with it.
This morning I listened to “2008” by ericadoa and “Little Girl” by Dangermouse and Julian Casablancas. They were recommended by the members of Waveform in an interview. Or not recommended exactly, but they said that those were those favorite songs at that moment. Maybe for that year? Also “How to Be Kind” by Fish Hunt. They’re all great. I love hyperpop and Julian Casablancas so it was a nice surprise.
Here is some lore. I’m from Scranton and my old roommates are too, although a different part of it. Their friend’s boyfriend Rylan, at the time I’m writing this, is the brother of a dude named Jonah, who is playing bass in the band Hot Mulligan. He is in Misery Club and has done a lot of work with Wicca Phase Springs Eternal. This is all public information I promise. Rylan and Jonah play in the band Wild Red along with the guitarist from 10 Sluggz. His name is Dan and he plays drums for them. Dan does a lot of shit actually. I met him and Jonah briefly. I talked to Dan about the music video he shot for Soul Glo. It was “Gold Chain Punk”. I want to make more music videos. I’ve known Rylan for some time actually. He introduced me to Jonah outside of Bonk’s Bar where Wild Red had a gig with a Florida band “getwiththis”. Wild Red is from a town near Wilkes-Barre which was the stomping ground of another little band I like called Title Fight. I annoyingly talked about Title Fight too much with them. I think they’re both nice guys who have a great appreciation for the craft. I thought about getting a show together back in Scranton once Hot Mulligan is done touring.
Dimmer Update:
At the time of writing Dimmer has 5 songs that we see as adequate to play. They are just demos, but it makes me so happy that we’ve come this far. Hopefully we can get people something they can chew on. We have a couple of other songs on the backburner that we may flush out. Songwriting has been a very interesting process and we’re still figuring it out. Thank God for Google Drive and Garageband.
I’m going to leave my job to do dropshipping and get rich quick schemes.
11/27/2023 Your Pain Is Mine Now #
I have my first string of YouTube videos set to upload this Friday at noon. Two of them are already out there. They’re fan made music videos. The other one is called “Just Start” and it’s a shitty video. But that is the point of it. I had to get out of my own way and just start on the path to making videos.
In my personal life I am dealing with a lot right now. It’s very stressful. I’ve never dealt with stress like this to be honest.
The stress. It’s my job. Its relationships. It’s my friends. It’s my family. It’s the future. It’s the past. It’s my perception of myself. It’s being uncomfortable with the fact that nothing is promised. I hate driving cars. I listened to Floral Green today.
11/28/203 Finding Car Seat Headrest #
I am so tired today in my little cubicle. I think my roommate keeps turning the heat off because he likes to sleep in the cold. I get it, it feels more snug under the blankets, but I gotta get up for work!
I’m very excited for our show coming up. It’s at a kid’s apartment they call “the Monastery” and the Monks are opening. It’s the Monks’ apartment. They do covers of the Strokes and Arctic Monkeys. Cats on Mushrooms is also playing. I love and miss my boy Matt Perkins. A true music man he is. I would walk home and see him practicing for the drumline on Geasey field. It was right across from my apartment at the time. He was in Temple’s band. But before that he was in my Data Structures and Algorithms class. That was where we bonded and shared our love for music. He showed me Car Seat Headrest and LCD Soundsystem. Which to my knowledge are his two favorite bands of all time. I think he said he likes LCD more though. I saw Car Seat Headrest with him. It’s a funny story.
My junior year of college I casually threw on Twin Fantasy while doing homework. Little did I know it would make me cry. I couldn’t hold back the tears when I heard those lyrics and those choruses. Pure emotion was oozing out of the lead singer who I hadn’t investigated yet. I went in blind. I remember Bodys came on and the line came where he cries and pleads. “Don’t you realize our bodies can fall apart at any second?”. I was in love with Car Seat Headrest after that moment. Them and Black Country New Road really defined that year for me. LCD too. I was able to face pent up emotions more and more. That was also the time where Mike started expanding my world of music as well.
I could write an essay on Car Seat Headrest. It’s very good and very gay. This band came into my life at the perfect time when I needed those words and those emotions. I don’t know if it’s a gay thing, but there is something about the emotions Will displays that feel ethereal. (Isaac Wood’s as well.) I get it. I felt less alone. I felt like my feelings were being articulated in their music with a real precision and perfection I had yet to discover. It was so utterly raw, and I realized that being honest with yourself and your emotions, expressing them in magical ways, letting go of ego, doing what you want, was more badass than acting like your some tought emotionaless zombie. I hope that makes sense.
I realized that I highly valued people who did what they liked no matter what others think. Expressing yourself is the way to be. I broke my old mindset. I used to think that a drag show queen was obviously less masculine than a UFC fighter. Something else outside of me made me think that. But those lines are far blurrier than anyone thinks. Any time spent worrying about if you look too feminine or too masculine is an absolute waste. Look up Diego Garijo. There’s no rules. You’re not what people view you as, you’re what you know you are. Just be yourself. Define yourself for yourself.
Will Toledo did not hold back. It made me realize that I was. And I need to start really trying to stop that.
I didn’t buy a ticket to see Car Seat Headrest because I knew the universe would make me see them. And it did. Matt miraculously had an extra ticket the day or so before the show and we went. That’s where I met Merr too. Right now they are the drummer for the Vatican City Missile Crisis. I think we’ll all go on to do cool stuff.